Month 4

Time flies so fast. It has been the 4th month of my sabbatical and I still cannot say that I made significant progress.

I really suspect this is just my inner saboteur speaking making me not able to see the progress that I made. But today is one of those days where I just felt so crippled with anxiety and self-doubt. If there’s one big benefit of this sabbatical it was for my mental health. While I still am deadly anxious, at least it’s not that violent anymore.

Today I’m filled with negative thoughts having already been in the 4th month, especially remembering my friend telling me, “You will not reach unemployment until the 4th month, right?”. Hey, I proved you wrong! Everyday is about being hopeful for progress whether in skills/projects or job applications and also about shattered hopes with every rejection e-mail I get.

I’ve been invited to a lot of interviews and asked to work on a couple of tasks, so that really helped me know what is out there. However, seeing the progress of my peers in their careers just influences me to think about quitting this journey. Seeing what I have to achieve to succeed in this field cripples me everytime as I’m just doubtful if I can even get there. And if I can, will I even be there on time? I just hold on to the thought that my time will also come, I just need to stay alive by then. I’m running out of things to hold on to and to distract myself from these thoughts but well, what else to do?